Journal Entry: 9.6.2021
Sep. 6th, 2021 12:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miss_moondust Thoughts under the cut
I don't trust the internet as far as I can throw it. But after quitting my (toxic) job a few months ago and now working from home in a household with some dysfunctional dynamics, I feel myself closing off so I thought I would challenge myself to be more open and share my thoughts here. Even if I do keep to myself 99% of the time :P
I'm struggling with motivation and creativity. There's a lot of "You should monetize your hobby" from my family, while at the same time telling me, "You can't do that. You'll never make any money at it."
A few years ago, I was heavily active in fandom and writing fanfiction. I wrote like a fiend. I could barely sleep because I was so excited to WRITE. I had a thousand ideas that I wanted to get down on paper all the time.
And then I kind of just hit a wall of negativity.
I wrote a 48k fic in 2-3 months and readers complained that it didn't end the way they thought it should (even though I had clearly been setting up for this direction since chapter one).
I wrote and self-pubbed my first novel and the friend I dedicated it to didn't read it. My cousin told me I'd done it wrong because it wasn't a "journey".
That was over 4 years ago now and I still don't have my motivation back.
Yes, there's been a pandemic going on which seriously bled me dry for energy.
Yes, I had an incredibly toxic and shitty job that left me an emotional, fucked up mess.
But every time I sit down to write, I feel...heavy. Exhausted to my bones. I feel like I've purposefully kept myself under the radar ever since. I've tried various discord writing groups in the hopes that I could meet some people and their enthusiasm might light a fire under me.
But I discord's layout just makes me feel overwhelmed. Plus, I have a deep aversion to cliques and discord seems loaded with them.
I had three short stories published last year and they were completely ignored by my family and friends. No one read them. No one even said congrats. They interrogated me that I hadn't told them I'd had stories published (in the middle of a pandemic, I'd honestly forgotten, especially when a few other stories had been cancelled). At my old work, a co-worker had published her book and everyone went crazy supporting her. But my stories were completely glossed over. They didn't even know what I'd written.
Writing is extremely slow going and lethargic these days. It's a slog to write 100 words.
I thought taking some time off and being gentle with myself would help me overcome this feeling. I've tried setting a daily word count goal to meet and it just made me even more tired.
I left fandom for over a year. Tried to come back but I couldn't write the way I used to and I felt frustrated that I couldn't "keep up".
Now that I work from home, I've drifted back to it as a way to blow off steam and try to have fun with writing again. I don't think I'll ever write a really long fic again because that takes way too much planning and brain power that I really need to reserve for my original writing. I also think that there's this pressure to not "waste" my good writing on fanfiction.
That's another thing that I'm trying really, really hard to reclaim for myself: free time. The right to have hobbies that aren't monetized. To relax and enjoy my life.
I've always been pressured to be more mature, to grow up and not waste my time on frivolous things. I always had to read educational fiction because fantasy "wasn't intelligent".
It's a catch-22 because of course I want people to read my stories. And I certainly don't expect everyone to like them. But it's really disheartening and discouraging when there's just...radio silence and/or put-downs.
And now I think by staying under the radar, I'm trying to claim the silence for myself. I'm writing for smaller fandoms, rare pairs that have little or no interaction so I can get used to putting my stuff out there and receiving no feedback at all.
But I do wish I had a cheerleader. I wish I had someone who believed in my stories when I'm burned out. Because it's a hard, lonely road when you're doing it solo. And I've hunted for writing buddies, I've tried so many of them, but my writing is so sporadic and I'm struggling to keep up with regular job duties that I feel guilty about holding my writing buddy back.
I think I'm trying to get my hope back into my writing. To believe in myself again. It's not just burnout. It's the fact that I HAVE written things and people don't read them or they criticize them and not in a constructive way.
So I lost faith in myself. I put pressure on myself to never make a mistake.
Everything has to be perfect.
No one will want to read a boring story if it doesn't go anywhere.
You're kidding yourself that you can write. You're just playing pretend. No one will ever take you seriously at this.
That's the true problem, I think. At the very heart of all the exhausted feelings I've been carting around.
I've told stories.
I've put myself out there.
And I feel like I haven't been heard. I feel like I haven't been supported. I feel like my stories weren't worthy enough, that people glossed over them or turned their noses up with a sneer because, "ew, you write fantasy? I'm not into that. I only read non-fiction."
I know I should always write for myself. And I really do. Because I feel so much more comfortable and natural when I write. I don't struggle with anxiety when I put words to the page. I don't stutter or trip over my tongue or clam up when I write stories. I know this is what I was meant to do and I want to keep doing it.
But it's natural to feel frustrated and disappointed when you have shared your heart, your creativity, your vision and it's been rejected, ignored, and/or belittled.
That's, ultimately, what I'm dealing with right now.
I don't trust the internet as far as I can throw it. But after quitting my (toxic) job a few months ago and now working from home in a household with some dysfunctional dynamics, I feel myself closing off so I thought I would challenge myself to be more open and share my thoughts here. Even if I do keep to myself 99% of the time :P
I'm struggling with motivation and creativity. There's a lot of "You should monetize your hobby" from my family, while at the same time telling me, "You can't do that. You'll never make any money at it."
A few years ago, I was heavily active in fandom and writing fanfiction. I wrote like a fiend. I could barely sleep because I was so excited to WRITE. I had a thousand ideas that I wanted to get down on paper all the time.
And then I kind of just hit a wall of negativity.
I wrote a 48k fic in 2-3 months and readers complained that it didn't end the way they thought it should (even though I had clearly been setting up for this direction since chapter one).
I wrote and self-pubbed my first novel and the friend I dedicated it to didn't read it. My cousin told me I'd done it wrong because it wasn't a "journey".
That was over 4 years ago now and I still don't have my motivation back.
Yes, there's been a pandemic going on which seriously bled me dry for energy.
Yes, I had an incredibly toxic and shitty job that left me an emotional, fucked up mess.
But every time I sit down to write, I feel...heavy. Exhausted to my bones. I feel like I've purposefully kept myself under the radar ever since. I've tried various discord writing groups in the hopes that I could meet some people and their enthusiasm might light a fire under me.
But I discord's layout just makes me feel overwhelmed. Plus, I have a deep aversion to cliques and discord seems loaded with them.
I had three short stories published last year and they were completely ignored by my family and friends. No one read them. No one even said congrats. They interrogated me that I hadn't told them I'd had stories published (in the middle of a pandemic, I'd honestly forgotten, especially when a few other stories had been cancelled). At my old work, a co-worker had published her book and everyone went crazy supporting her. But my stories were completely glossed over. They didn't even know what I'd written.
Writing is extremely slow going and lethargic these days. It's a slog to write 100 words.
I thought taking some time off and being gentle with myself would help me overcome this feeling. I've tried setting a daily word count goal to meet and it just made me even more tired.
I left fandom for over a year. Tried to come back but I couldn't write the way I used to and I felt frustrated that I couldn't "keep up".
Now that I work from home, I've drifted back to it as a way to blow off steam and try to have fun with writing again. I don't think I'll ever write a really long fic again because that takes way too much planning and brain power that I really need to reserve for my original writing. I also think that there's this pressure to not "waste" my good writing on fanfiction.
That's another thing that I'm trying really, really hard to reclaim for myself: free time. The right to have hobbies that aren't monetized. To relax and enjoy my life.
I've always been pressured to be more mature, to grow up and not waste my time on frivolous things. I always had to read educational fiction because fantasy "wasn't intelligent".
It's a catch-22 because of course I want people to read my stories. And I certainly don't expect everyone to like them. But it's really disheartening and discouraging when there's just...radio silence and/or put-downs.
And now I think by staying under the radar, I'm trying to claim the silence for myself. I'm writing for smaller fandoms, rare pairs that have little or no interaction so I can get used to putting my stuff out there and receiving no feedback at all.
But I do wish I had a cheerleader. I wish I had someone who believed in my stories when I'm burned out. Because it's a hard, lonely road when you're doing it solo. And I've hunted for writing buddies, I've tried so many of them, but my writing is so sporadic and I'm struggling to keep up with regular job duties that I feel guilty about holding my writing buddy back.
I think I'm trying to get my hope back into my writing. To believe in myself again. It's not just burnout. It's the fact that I HAVE written things and people don't read them or they criticize them and not in a constructive way.
So I lost faith in myself. I put pressure on myself to never make a mistake.
Everything has to be perfect.
No one will want to read a boring story if it doesn't go anywhere.
You're kidding yourself that you can write. You're just playing pretend. No one will ever take you seriously at this.
That's the true problem, I think. At the very heart of all the exhausted feelings I've been carting around.
I've told stories.
I've put myself out there.
And I feel like I haven't been heard. I feel like I haven't been supported. I feel like my stories weren't worthy enough, that people glossed over them or turned their noses up with a sneer because, "ew, you write fantasy? I'm not into that. I only read non-fiction."
I know I should always write for myself. And I really do. Because I feel so much more comfortable and natural when I write. I don't struggle with anxiety when I put words to the page. I don't stutter or trip over my tongue or clam up when I write stories. I know this is what I was meant to do and I want to keep doing it.
But it's natural to feel frustrated and disappointed when you have shared your heart, your creativity, your vision and it's been rejected, ignored, and/or belittled.
That's, ultimately, what I'm dealing with right now.
